We, The Sanctimonious Order of the Willing Sacrifice, must regrettably start this annual meeting by apologising, but once again, for the tenth year running, we have failed to secure a year king.
While there are of course be those who scoff at what some claim are our ‘out dated religious observances’ we feel obliged to point out that it is our belief the willing sacrifice of a year king at Yule has been bringing forth bounteous years of fortune, good weather, and good health for the people of Albion for thousands of years. It is our belief, therefore, that it is the dearth of Year kings, of which there have only been two this century, is the cause of recent hardships.
Extreme weather, floods, so called ‘climate change’, pandemics, wild fires, the steady decline of decent script writing in recent seasons of doctor who, Boris Johnson, the continued lack of spangles, can all be attributed to the lack of a viable and willing sacrifice at the Yule celebrations. Frankly the selfishness of people never ceases to astound us, and that the sun continues to be renewed for the coming year we can only put down to stubbornness on the part of Hydrogen.
Why no bright and handsome youth is willing to become the new year king each Yule we can only conclude is due to a general lack of moral foundation among the youth of today.
We are willing to except that there has also been something of a lack of bountiful bevies of buxom maidens willing to give up a year of there lives to serve as hand maidens to a year king. This we believe is because they all seem to prefer to spend a gap year in Thailand or Australia, having a wild time and engaging in the excessive hedonism of some of the so-called eastern religions. Rather than feeding grapes to a numbskull pretty boy in a smokey round house. This is also regrettable.
There is also the unfortunate matter of the round house been caught up in the Thatcherism of the early 80’s and us been forced to sell it off as technically it was a council owned tenement. But we have procured a small flat above a chinses takeaway in Salisbury for the use of the Year King. We will admit it is a little under repaired, pokey, and if you dislike the smell of boiled rice you may need a good air freshener, but many would think it was an improvement on a wattle and daub round house with no central heating. Though the flat only has a three-bar electric fire and only two of the bars work.
The bounteous feast of fruit, meats and ale is still there for the year king of course. Admittedly due to fiscal constraints, through the day these are limited to a ‘meal deal’ from the local Tesco’s. Which is also why we generally can only supply 2 litre bottles of white lightening cider. But the thought is there and there is a duck at Easter, well Peking duck if you order the two for one special at Mr Hong’s down stairs.
But all this aside we still believe we offer a fabulous, one year only, limited time experience, for the volunteer year king, and Sharon who works in the chippy, while getting on in years, is still willing to peal grapes on a Wednesday afternoon, and wear the traditional ox skin loin coverings and nothing else… on warm summer days at least, the rest of the year she insists on wearing a dressing gown, but as she is the far side of seventy now and so we feel this may be a blessing to all.
She does however make a really good sweet nettle tea.
We are aware there has been some disgruntlement in the order this year, with suggestions from Mr Wallaby that given the continuing decline of the environment, and the way mars bars as smaller than they used to be, we should perhaps look into the possibility of an ‘unwilling’ sacrifice this year. Even going so far as to suggest ‘that Jones lad from two doors down, who broken my gnome with his football last month.’
We will state once again, an unwilling sacrifice does not placate the ancient ones. They also are a lot more work. They always squirm about on the alter, and that makes it difficult to cut out there still beating heart cleanly, and the authorities look down on that kind of thing.
It makes a right mess on the rug
Anywho, I will end the meeting here. If anyone knows of a likely lad willing to be a year king tell them to drop us a line at PO Box 1010, Dudley Salterton. Also, even if we cannot find a year king, bountiful bevies of buxom maidens are still also required, and given these days of equality a year queen ,, or indeed a year Queenking, or Kingqueen would we think be just as acceptable…
Yours ,, Earnest Wilberforce, Arch Druid of The Sanctimonious Order of the Willing Sacrifice, and treasurer… Royal Air Force Retired.
HAPPY YULE to all…