‘Celebrity’ Fucking Authors

Its October, the leaves are falling, the witches are abroad, and I’ve opened the blog up to guest writers again. Yes its Indie October. Throughout October some old favourites among my guests will be returning along with some new voices. Today’s Guest Post is from Teesside travel author Will Nett, who has, it’s fair to say, a bit of a bee in his bonnet…

That is ENOUGH. I am demanding a moratorium on celebrities writing books. Initially, I was going to limit it to them writing children’s books, but the news that Richard Osman, as nice a chap as he seems, although that’s hardly relevant, has a seven figure publishing deal with Penguin Books and the attendant film rights for T******* M***** C*** opted to Steve Spielberg, have pushed me over the edge. I’ve asterisked the book title. It’s had enough publicity as it is.

And, no; I haven’t read it. I don’t imagine that you’ve read it either. I bet Harlan Coben hasn’t read it. I only mention Coben as he’s provided a generic quote for the cover, along with a host of other notaries.   Maybe it is ‘Coben worthy,’ a term I’ve just made up, if it means anything. I don’t suggest that the book is particularly good, or especially bad, or, worse still, when it comes to ‘art’ decidedly average.   

I used to bite my lip when some TV personality or other wrote a kid’s book, especially when they sold about 50,000 in the time it takes me to drive to work. It was good that readers were engaged at a young age. Then everyone started doing it and you couldn’t turn around in a bookshop without knocking over a stack of junk that had been churned out by a ghost writer and emblazoned with the name of whoever was flavour of that particular month. When I was a kid celebrities didn’t really write books, and certainly not children’s ones.

Looking back, it’s as well they didn’t. I grew up in the 80s so most of them are in jail now.   

I’m calling for a year-long ban on celebrity books. If you’re wondering how I’m classifying a celebrity, we can start with anyone who has appeared on ITV, or any of its shit-spewing sister channels, in any way, shape or form over the past 12 months. Specifically, then, muck-raking memoirs, ‘one-pot’ recipe books by dreary chefs, and ‘talent’ show judges who have suddenly developed a ‘passion’ for reading now that they haven’t got a proper day job. The BBC’s obsession with ‘the book accompanying the series’ can be added to the list, also.

There’s a good reason why no-one ever promotes a book with the line ‘the TV series accompanying the book is now available.’ It’s because most people wouldn’t buy a book without watching a TV adaptation of it first. That’s why charity shops are always clogged up with books by Sally Rooney and David Nicholls. 

“I’ve always loved reading” these celebrities always say.

So have I. Where’s my publishing deal?

Don’t worry about the effect it would have on high street bookshops. You can buy my books instead.

I have one concession to this ban. I will allow as many celebrities as want to, to submit manuscripts to publishers under an assumed name. Try using my mine. See where that gets you.

About Will Nett

Will Nett is about 40, from Middlesbrough and the author of My Only Boro, the book that was a bestseller in the town for three Christmases in a row.
Will is one of the most affable writers in the Tees area, and his global appeal and general popularity have seen his writing career straddle two millennia. He is an incurable backpacker, occasional banjo picker and habitual note-maker/taker, most of which have found their way into his Gonzo-steeped books, which also include Local Author Writes Book, and his riotous travelogue, Billy No Maps. He has been a Sudoku salesman, snooker table repair man, model, cinema usher and unprofessional gambler.
His latest book, The Golfer’s Lament, was submitted for the William Hill Sports Book Of The Year Award 2020.

This entry was posted in amreading, books, humour, indie, indie novels, indie writers, indieoctober, indiewriter, opinion, publication, rant, reads, writes, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to ‘Celebrity’ Fucking Authors

  1. Pingback: Never trust a politician with a bread, he’s hiding something | The Passing Place

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s