Lawyers are almost always played out on TV as smart, snappy, insightful individuals of high intellect who ask just the right question to catch a witness or a defendant off guard. It has become something of a stereotype, and like most stereotypes, in the real world they don’t always play out exactly as you expect them to. A while ago, as I was doing some research on a novel (literal translation, browsing the internet for anything that could distract me from writing my next novel…) I came across a few examples of court transcripts where the Lawyers were having a bad day to the bar…

These are not jokes, just genuine bits of court transcript… For no other reason than the amusement factor, I have collected a few over time and thought I would share them here… Enjoy…

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No…
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Lawyer: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Lawyer: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Lawyer: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Lawyer: Male semen?
Witness: That’s the only kind I know of.

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard
Lawyer: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death..
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Lawyer: she had three children, right?
Witness: yes.
Lawyer: how many were boys?
Witness: none.
Lawyer: were there any girls?

Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

And finally a personal favourite of mine ….

Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Witness: ………….(too dumb struck to answer we assume.)